[Essel]

How does Blackbeard navigate in fog?

Autopirate.

 

[Guest]

How does Blackbeard navigate in fog?

Autopirate.

Love it :lol:

 

[Guest]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his old trick into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a counsellor to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my old trick into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

 

[Dave Wilkinson]

Primary school english class

" Morning children, I'm Miss Cuttlebunt, your supply teacher today for the English lesson.

I want 2 volunteers and each must construct a sentence to include the word << definitely >>.

Miss, Miss, may I please.

Yes, Susan, carry on please. I heard my dad say that if there was a spate in the river he would definitely go fishing at the weekend.

That was excellent Susan. Tommy, your hand is up, what is your question.

Do pumpies have lumps in Miss ?

How dare you Tommy, that is disgusting.

If you could just answer Miss please.

Oh well - NO.

In that case I've definitely s--t myself. "

Boom Bum

Love it :lol:

 

[Salad Dodger]

 

[Guest]

An old drunk staggers into a bar and orders a double whisky. He downs it in one gulp before heading towards the toilet. After being in there for about 10 minutes there is a loud scream. The customers look started before carrying on drinking their drinks. 5 minutes later a blood curdling scream comes from the toilet and then silence. After another 5 minutes another scream this time louder than the previous one. Some of the customers quickly down their drinks before hurriedly leaving the bar. The landlord runs into the toilet and bursts through the door where the old drunk is enthroned. 'What is wrong with you? Why all the screaming? You are frightening my customers' The old drunk replies 'Every time I pull the chain to flush, something reaches up and squeezes my test1cles' The landlord replies 'You drunken old fool. You are sitting on my mop bucket'

 

[Salad Dodger]

 

[Essel]

I called at a 1st class burger van today.

It's so good It has 4 Michelin tyres

 

[Guest]

A 9 year old little lad is lying in bed at 2.00am one November morning. Suddenly he wakes up caused by a lot of noise coming from his parents room next door. He climbs out of bed and goes along to investigate. As he opens the bedroom door his mother and father are both butt harrised naked and doing the wild thang. He looks wide eyed before asking 'Daddy, what are you doing to mummy?' The father is beside himself with embarrassment but is able to blurt out a hasty excuse 'Well son, you said that you wanted a baby brother so me and mummy are working on it'. The little lad goes back to his own bed, lying there with a big beaming smile on his face as he goes back to sleep. I'm getting a little brother, how cool is that? About an hour later there is yet more noise coming from his parents bedroom. He goes back to his mum and dads bedroom to further investigate. He opens the door and his dad is standing butt harrised naked and his mam is kneeling down and they are both doing quite a different kind of wild thang. The little lad shouts out 'Dad, what are you doing now?' His dad embarrassed again, exclaims 'Mummy has changed her mind. She now wants a BMW'

 

[John Keane]

Gripping TV drama...

 

[Guest]

I am a long term sufferer of that delightful condition known to the medical profession as hemorrhoids and to the rest of us as piles. This afternoon I had a repeat appointment with my doctor and explained that when I applied the cream that she prescribed me I got a quite nasty reaction. 'Where did you apply it?' She asked. I replied 'On the bus'.

 

[Pollowick]

Russian Invasion

 

[Pollowick]

Instagram - how to do it (or not) !

 

[Essel]

Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match..

They need to catch him before he strikes again.

 

[Guest]

A beautiful young scouse lady who became extremely depressed decided that she had nothing left to live for. She went down to the River Mersey one dark winter night and decided to end it all by jumping in the water. As she stood there a chap came along and realising her situation decided to try and talk her out of it. He explained that he was a sailor and was sailing to America the following morning and that he would arrange it so that she could stow away on his ship. He slipped his arm around her and suggested that if he looked after her then she could look after him. She contemplated then agreed. He hid her in a lifeboat and every night came along and fed her 2 ham sandwiches and a piece of fruit and then they made mad passionate love all night. 3 weeks later she was discovered and taken to the Captain who asked her what she was doing in the lifeboat? She explained that she had an arrangement with one of his sailors, he was bringing her food and taking her to America and screwing her. The Captain answered 'He certainly is screwing you. This is the Birkenhead Ferry'

 

[Essel]

I've just bought some state of the art garden shears.

They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

 

[John Keane]

My new neighbour (nice lady) knocked the other day and said “Your hall is the same size as ours. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy?”
I said, “I bought nine”
She knocked back last night and said, “I bought nine and I have two left over!”
“That’s funny, so did I” I replied.

 

[Guest]

The creator of predictive texting, died today.

His funfair is next monkey

© Salmonaddict

Guy walks into the butchers: "Have you any tinned Pigeon?"

Butcher: "Sorry, no can doo!"

DCH

 

[Guest]

i got to thinking this morning about my very first day at senior school. I was the youngest of 5 kids and my mam and dad didn't have a lot of money. Inevitably I wore hand me down clothes as a lot of children at that time did. Having 4 older sisters however this sometimes proved a little bit difficult for me. I went into school in a dark blue dress with big yellow flowers on it. The dress went right down to my knees. It was topped off by brown stiletto heeled shoes. I nervously shuffled my way through the school gates. Lets face things, kids can be really cruel. 9.00am and time to attend my first class and meet my new form teacher. Sat at the very front of the class in a rare twist of coincidence with the same dress and shoes on as me. I really do know who was more embarrassed, me or him.

 

[Guest]

Guy walks into the butchers: "Have you any tinned Pigeon?"

Butcher: "Sorry, no can doo!"

DCH

A customer walks into an off licence and says to the guy behind the counter.."Do you have any 12 year old malt whisky??"

Off Licence Guy: "Knockando"

Customer: OK..I'll try somewhere else then...