Have a laugh - Put your jokes here

kenny007

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English, Scottish and Irish men working on a high rise building........

English man opens his piece.....Corn beef he's got, if i get this tomorrow im throwing myself off this building.

Scottish man opens his piece.....Cheese he's got, if i get cheese tomorrow im throwing myself off this building too.

Irish man opens his piece.....Jam he's got, if i get jam tomorrow im throwing myself off this building too.

Next day comes along....

English man opens his piece, corn beef, woosh, jumps off the 19th floor, splattered below.

Scottish man opens his piece, cheese, woosh, jumps off the 19th floor, splattered below.

Irish man opens his piece, jam, woosh, off the 19th floor he goes.

The 3 wives meet up at one of the wakes and the English woman says.....i just never had the time to go get something different for his piece, i was so busy.

Scottish woman says...I thought Hammish liked cheese coz he told me so.

Irish woman says...This is the bit i don't get.....Paddy made his own piece !
 

Paul White

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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table. She asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her, but she did not speak English.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe, with a group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business


 

iainmortimer

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Biologists believe they may have discovered a new potential cure for the Covid virus for after a long period of research every ant hill they inspected was full of Antibodies....

I'll just get my coat. :ROFLMAO:
 
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seeking

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Source: HERE

And Finally…​

ITV
Lockdown Sceptics reader Philip Leith has imagined an episode of Who Wants To be a Millionaire? in which Boris Johnson is the contestant.

Jeremy Clarkson: Welcome back. Our Contestant Boris Johnson has worked his way up to this final question and he still has all his lifelines. Boris, are you ready?

Boris Johnson: Never been readier.

JC: OK, here is your final question. What policy should you adopt when confronted with a pandemic? Is it A – Do nothing, B – Focus resources to shield the most vulnerable, C – Shoot everybody before they become infected, or D – Shut down the entire country and imprison healthy people in their homes?

BJ: Well before the answers came up my initial thought would have been B, but I’m not so sure now. Can I please use my 50:50 Jeremy?

JC: Okay computer take away two wrong answers please. Interestingly you are left with B – Focus resources to shield the vulnerable, and D – Shut down the entire country and imprison healthy people in their homes. Your instinct told you to go for B. What’s it going to be Prime Minister?

BJ: Yes, yes, but it is so much more difficult when you’re actually in the chair.

JC: Well you still have three lifelines.

BJ: Yes, can I ask the audience please Jeremy?

JC: Okay can the audience pick up their keypads and key in what they think is the right answer now…. Well, that’s interesting. An overwhelming majority appear to agree with you that the correct answer is B Focus resources to shield the vulnerable. Is that your answer, then, Prime Minister?

BJ: Er… perhaps, perhaps.

JC: You still have two lifelines.

BJ: True, perhaps it would be prudent to use them. Jezza, what do you think?

JC: Well I’m no expert, but here’s what I think. Focussing resources on protecting the most vulnerable seems like the best idea to me.

BJ: Ah, really? You think so? Crikey.

JC: If you still can’t make up your mind Prime Minister, you can still phone a friend.

BJ: Quite right, there is a lot a stake here. Don’t want to rush into anything, only to have to change my mind. [Audience laughter.] I’ll phone a friend. I’d like to call my friend Patrick Valance and Chris Whitty.

JC: Isn’t that two people, Prime Minister?

BJ: Yes, but they think exactly the same way. They might as well be one person.

JC: Okay, let’s phone them. Hello is that Patrick and Chris?

Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty: Yes.

JC: Jeremy Clarkson here, calling from Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Boris is here in the chair and is going to read out a question and give you two possible answers. Boris you have thirty seconds, make sure you leave time for them to answer, starting now.

BJ: Patrick, Chris, what policy should you follow when confronted with a pandemic? Is it B – Focus on shielding the most vulnerable, or D – Shut down the entire country and imprison healthy people in their homes?

PV: D. Definitely D. We’ve never done that in any previous pandemic and it was specifically recommended against by both the WHO and the UK’s Pandemic Preparedness Strategy. But, nevertheless, the science says D.

CW: Agreed. D.

BJ: Right, thanks chaps.

JC: So, Prime Minister what are you going to plump for?

BJ: Well those two are very clever chaps – very eminent scientists – and with all due respect to you and the audience, Jeremy, I’m going to go for D. That’s my final answer.

JC: Boris Johnson… You’ve just lost tens of thousands of lives, millions of jobs and billions of pounds. The correct answer was B focused protection.

BJ: Can I do a u-turn?
 
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