Have a laugh - Put your jokes here

mc andy

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East Kilbride ( glasgow)


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Some time in the future, ex POTUS Trump dies and goes down to the underworld.
Devil says "Well, I've got you on my list so you have to come in. Trouble is, haven't got enough room for any more ex-politicos. I know, I have three here and you can replace one and I'll even let you pick which one and you can take their penance."

First room, Richard Nixon soaking wet. His penance to dive into water and come up
empty- handed over and over.
"No," says Trump "I was never very good in the swimming pool except for sunbathing round it".

Second room. Tony Blair with a big sledge hammer battering rocks.
"No," says Trump, "I have this dodgy shoulder and couldn't do that all day.

Third room. Bill Clinton with his trousers down getting a good seeing to by Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
"Yes," says Trump, "I can handle that."

"OK", says the Devil. "Monica, you're free to go."


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Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street , and had a drink in Mars bar.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
‘I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!???????


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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.
“Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off! You’re going to break something.” He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet, where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge — diarrhea. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, all over.
“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!” ??


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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
:D :D


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Are we allowed naughty ones? Lol!

Man sees a stunning blonde getting out of a Mercedes and walking into a bar! He goes up to her and said "my god your beautiful! And that's a lovely car! How did you end up so lucky to be so gorgeous and rich as well?
She points to the merc and says" I'm really good at hand jobs and charge £20 for them! The money from them bought the merc!
So he gives her 20 and sure enough he couldn't have done it better himself!
He sees her again the following week and sees that she's dripping in diamonds and asks her "did the hand jobs pay for those as well?"
"No the blow jobs did! They're £50"
So he hands over 50 and sure enough it was amazing!
The next week he waits for her and she pulls up in the merc again and he can't help himself!
"how much for a poke at your darkie?"
She takes him by the hand and points to a fancy apartment block up the road with a million pound penthouse

See that penthouse up there? She says

Holy **** you didn't buy that with the money from selling a shag did you?

No! But I would do if I didn't have a dick!


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Donald Trump, Nicola Sturgeon, Boris Johnstone, a 10 year old schoolboy, and The Pope are travelling on a plane which develops a fault and is about to crash. Unfortunately there are only 4 parachutes. Nicola grabs one stating Scotland needs me to gain its independence and jumps out of the plane. The Pope says the World needs me for spiritual guidance grabs another parachute and jumps. Donald Trump announces that he is the smartest man in America and his country needs him, grabs a parachute and jumps. Boris looks forlornly at the schoolboy and wracked by guilt reluctantly states. You have the last parachute son, I have had my life and you still have yours to lead. The schoolboy looks up at him and grins. Don't worry Mr Johnstone, there are still two parachutes, the smartest man in America jumped out wearing my schoolbag.

Occasional salmon fisher

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Punctuation is important :

There's a Maypole dancer

Theresa May, pole dancer

I like cooking, my family and my pets

I like cooking my family and my pets

Let's eat, grandma.

Let's eat grandma.

Helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.