Have a laugh - Put your jokes here

ibm59

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad Dog"

Bet that had you worried , Fruin :D
 

Stuart

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Getting old

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?:eek:
 

kingfisher

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Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?:eek:
Well done, made me titter that did
 

ibm59

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If the cap fits

not sure who this woman is





BUT SHE CLAIMS TO KNOW..............................:D
 

Stuart

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While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency department at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with no referendum on the European Constitution and the master strokes with Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
 

castor

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Stuart and Fred

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies .....................etc................
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

> Must be a subject for all our leaders
>

> Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
> Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
> gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus
> Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped
> 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
> detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
>
> Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back
> the following biographical sketch:
>
> "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
> business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
> assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in
> 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government
> facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
> railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by
> the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away
> during an important civic function held in his honor, when the
> platform on which he was standing collapsed."
>
> And that is how it's done, folks.
 

Greenalert

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> Must be a subject for all our leaders
>

> Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
> Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for
> horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
> gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus
> Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped
> 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
> detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
>
> Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back
> the following biographical sketch:
>
> "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
> business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
> assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in
> 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government
> facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
> railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by
> the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away
> during an important civic function held in his honor, when the
> platform on which he was standing collapsed."
>
> And that is how it's done, folks.
Now that is what I call great Government Spin;);)
 

Stuart

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Val was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the
eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the
soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
Report by just listening to the bells.
Val's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but
this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, could run for cover. To Val's amazement, old Butch
had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Val was so proud of
old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell
Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
 

Stuart

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Subject: Local Government - the truth
>
>
> A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.
> The interviewer asks him 'Have you been in the armed services?'
> 'Yes' he says 'I was in Iraq & Afghanistan for three years.'
>
> The interviewer says 'That will increase your chances of gaining
> employment'
>
> He then asks 'Are you disabled in any way?'
>
> The guy says 'Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
> testicles off.'
>
> The interviewer tells the guy 'OK. I can hire you right now.The hours
> are 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM
> You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM .'
>
> The guy is puzzled and says 'If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00PM
> then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? '
>
> 'This is a council job' the interviewer replies.
> 'For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.
> No point in you coming in for that.'
 

Greenalert

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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
 

Greenalert

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Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:


"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
 

Greenalert

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A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads

"Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
 

Greenalert

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Last one for Tonight

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"


"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
 

Greenalert

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Couldn't resist this last one

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.


"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
 

Greenalert

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Sorry, last one now

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation

"I'll have the Englishman"
 

Stuart

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Kiss Me Hardy

This year, in October, we celebrate the 203rd Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies.

But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in October 2008 ?

Picture the scene:...

October 21st 2008 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."

N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"

H: "Sorry sir"

N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."

N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle."

H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."

N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."

H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

N: "For ****'s sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."

H: "Not possible, sir."

N: "What??"

H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."

N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"

N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."

H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."

H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

N: "What? This is mutiny!"

H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

H: "Actually, sir, we're not"

N: "What??"

H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."

H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."

N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."

H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."

N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

N: "What about sodomy?"

H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."

N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
 

Greenalert

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Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer plane landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"


"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
 

Stuart

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Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains

Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers
When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel crashed into the shatterproof shield smashed it to smithereens blasted through the control console snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions


You'll love this ...





Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo






'Defrost the chicken'
 

nelsonbaz

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got an email today from cousin in vancouver enjoy



Subject: You'll cry from laughing......guaranteed-
only a guy would do this.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary
submitted this:

>
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie
>
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....??

>

> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.

> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

> I was

> disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the but ton AND
pressed

> it against a

> metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting

> back and forth

> between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
Julie

> what

> that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

>

> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it

> couldn't be all that

> bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

>

> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting

> little soul) while I was

> reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing

> out on a flesh &

> blood moving target.

>

> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and

> thought

> better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this

> thing to my wife to

> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would

> work as

> advertised. Am I wrong?

>

> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses

> perched delicately

> on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in
another.

>

> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your

> assailant; a

> two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss
of

> bodily control;

> a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the


> ground like a fish

> out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the


> batteries. All the

> while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
than

> 3/4 inch in

> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A

> batteries) thinking

> to myself, 'no possible way!'

>

> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

>

> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side

> as to say, '

> don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny

> little ole thing

> couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second
burst

> just for heck of it. I

> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY

> MOTHER OF GOD. .

> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

>

> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in

> the recliner,

> then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I

> vaguely recall

> waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body

> soaking wet, both

> nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked

> under my body in the

> oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

>

> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a

> picture frame

> hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting

> slammed by my body

> flopping all over the living room.

>

> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of

> caution: there

> is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not

> let go of that thing

> until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the

> floor. A three second

> burst would be considered conservative?

>

> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

>

> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that

> point), I collected

> my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent

> reading glasses

> were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and
about

> 8 feet or so

> from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were

> still twitching.

> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip


> weighed 88 lbs.

> I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was
too

> numb to know

> for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my

> head which

> I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm


> offering a significant

> reward for their safe return!!

>

> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

>

> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
 
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