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  1. #1

    Default Have a laugh - Put your jokes here

    A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
    After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

    'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

    "That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"

    "I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad Dog"

    Bet that had you worried , Fruin

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    East Dunbartonshire
    Posts
    3,080

    Default

    That did have me worried, I thought it was your football joke that seemed to have went down well on another forum

  3. #3

    Default


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    West Of Scotland
    Posts
    753

    Default Poacher

    :
    Quote Originally Posted by Fruin View Post
    That did have me worried, I thought it was your football joke that seemed to have went down well on another forum
    It wasnt his joke, he poached it, and it wasnt 60000 it was 100000.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Aberdeen
    Posts
    305

    Default Getting old

    Scotch with two drops of water.

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

    The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming up,' says the bartender

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

    The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
    and make love,' and you answer,
    'Pick one; I can't do both!'


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your friends compliment you
    on your new alligator shoes
    and you're barefoot.


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    A sexy babe catches your fancy
    and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Going braless
    pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You don't care where your spouse goes,
    just as long as you don't have to go along.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

    'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
    'Getting a little action'
    means you don't need to take any fiber today.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car
    in the parking lot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up
    to use the bathroom.

    AND

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You are not sure these are jokes?
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit and drink beer all day.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    8,030

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuart View Post
    Scotch with two drops of water.

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

    The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

    As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming up,' says the bartender

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

    The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

    The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
    and make love,' and you answer,
    'Pick one; I can't do both!'


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Your friends compliment you
    on your new alligator shoes
    and you're barefoot.


    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    A sexy babe catches your fancy
    and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    Going braless
    pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You don't care where your spouse goes,
    just as long as you don't have to go along.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

    'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
    'Getting a little action'
    means you don't need to take any fiber today.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car
    in the parking lot.

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up
    to use the bathroom.

    AND

    'OLD' IS WHEN...
    You are not sure these are jokes?
    Well done, made me titter that did
    An insignificant poster

  7. #7

    Talking If the cap fits

    not sure who this woman is





    BUT SHE CLAIMS TO KNOW..............................

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Aberdeen
    Posts
    305

    Default

    While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency department at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

    So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

    'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

    'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

    'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown.

    'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

    The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

    They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!'

    'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly.

    'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

    Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with no referendum on the European Constitution and the master strokes with Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.

    They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the lift and heads upward.

    When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

    So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-**** joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

    'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

    The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

    With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

    So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

    The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

    He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

    The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

    The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit and drink beer all day.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    West Of Scotland
    Posts
    753

    Default When cloning goes wrong


  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Near Kelso, Roxburghshire
    Posts
    1,789

    Default Stuart and Fred

    Quote Originally Posted by Stuart View Post
    While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies .....................etc................
    The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

    > Must be a subject for all our leaders
    >

    > Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
    > Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for
    > horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
    >
    > The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
    > gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus
    > Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped
    > 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
    > detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
    >
    > Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back
    > the following biographical sketch:
    >
    > "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
    > business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
    > assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in
    > 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government
    > facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
    > railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by
    > the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away
    > during an important civic function held in his honor, when the
    > platform on which he was standing collapsed."
    >
    > And that is how it's done, folks.

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