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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Isle of Lewis

    Default A Bird in the Hand ...

    I heared this last season, though at second hand ....

    A chap was up before the magistrate accused of shoplifting;

    ''You stand accused of stealing two frozen chickens from ***** supermarket. How do you plead?" said the J.P.

    "Not guilty, Your Honour."

    "But you were apprehended outside with two frozen chickens upon your person, were you not?"

    "Yes, Sir, but it was buy-one-get-one-free."

    Supposedly true.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    central Scotland


    Not quite the same but whilst fishing the Spey last year, I quite literally had a bird in the hand......

    A wee robin was stuck in the hut so I caught it & went to let it go......
    Turns out the little bird enjoyed my company & sat in my hand for around 10 mins before being forced to leave me😊


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Near Kelso, Roxburghshire


    .and then there is the Irish which concerns an elderly Mrs Kelly, a widow, who raised a clutch of turkeys to sell at Christmas.

    About a week before execution day she was suddenly wakened by a lot of noise outside. Straight to the window she went only to see a yellow bike - ridden by a red-haired man with a turkey under his arm - wobbling down the road outside. She knew who he was and went straight to the Garda to report the theft. In due time it ended up in the District Justice's Court!

    DJ (=JP)....." Mrs Kelly - how can you be sure that the thief was the accused, Sean Connors?"

    "Didn't I see his flaming red curly hair...see him once and anyone would recognise him at a mile away. An' then there was that auld yellow bike he always rides" responded the brave widow.

    "Mrs Kelly, how can you be sure that he stole your turkey?"

    "Sure it was flapping away under his arm; the best layer I ever had" is her answer.

    DJ..." But how can you be certain that it was your turkey Mrs Kelly?"

    Mrs K..."Didn't I recognise it by its balls yer honour!"

    "But Mrs Kelly, you have just told me that the turkey was the best layer you ever had"

    "Ah, may God forgive your dirty mind your honour" interrupted Mrs Kelly, "wasn't it her screeches I was meaning"

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